Domestic violence, through its very name, tends to  conjure images of abuse happening behind closed doors and away from the rest of life.  But domestic violence doesn’t take a break between 9am-5pm.

• Intimate partner violence victims lose a total of nearly 8.0 million days of paid work—the equivalent of more than 32,000 full-time jobs—and nearly 5.6 million days of household productivity as a result of the violence.  (US Center for Disease Control)
• Over 75% of offenders used workplace resources at least once to express remorse or anger, check up on, pressure, or threaten the victim. (Maine Department of Labor and Family Crisis Services study)
• The health-related costs of rape, physical assault, stalking, and homicide by intimate partners exceed $5.8 billion each year. ((US Center for Disease Control))
• 94% of corporate security directors rank partner violence as a high security problem. (National Safe Workplace Institute survey)
• 74% of victims are harassed at work by their abuser. (Report on Costs of Domestic Violence)
• An estimated 24–30% of abused working women lose their jobs due to their domestic violence situation. (Prisoners of Abuse)
• Over 70% of United States workplaces have no formal program or policy that addresses workplace violence. (Bureau of Labor Statistics)

While some may believe that employers have no right or responsibility in addressing domestic violence, they certainly have a role to play.  The financial costs of domestic violence are high, as is the security risk and the potential for abusers to use company resources to abuse.

But what can employers do?  Here’s a list of ways employers can help address this issue:

1. Create a workplace violence policy that specifically addresses domestic violence.  Tips for creating a policy can be found here.  Buffalo State College has a great example of a domestic violence policy.  Note that they will vary depending on the size of the employer, employer needs, etc.
2. Consider ways to help victims remain safe at work.  This may include getting an emergency contact for the employee in case they don’t show up to work, having a co-worker walk with them to and from their car, screening phone calls, posting a picture of the abuser in case they show up at the workplace, and making certain that no one gives out personal information.  This safety plan should be created by the victim, with support from the employer (i.e. don’t post a picture of the abuser without the victim expressing their desire to have this happen).
3. Consider ways to deal with employees who are perpetrating domestic violence.  This may include determining if there is an immediate safety risk, providing or supporting time-off for counseling, policies surrounding the use of workplace resources to abuse, and under what circumstances to suspend or terminate.
4. Provide training for employees.  Studies show that most employees believe workplace programs focusing on domestic violence help them understand and address the issue.  Training may include helping employees to recognize signs of an abusive relationship, processes for reporting domestic violence, tips on talking to co-workers about abuse, and how to access community resources.  Trainings should help employees feel empowered and ensure that they will not be “outed” or penalized if they seek help.

Does your workplace have a workplace violence policy?  How has your employer addressed workplace violence?  How do you think employers should respond to domestic violence?

Resources for  businesses/organizations wanting to address domestic violence:

Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services of Whatcom County: Available for trainings of any length on workplace violence and community resources; free and confidential advocacy-based counseling for employees (available at the workplace or at DVSAS), safety planning for individuals and employers, assistance in debriefing trauma following an abusive incident in or affecting the workplace. Business Line: (360)671-5714, Hotline: (360)715-1563

Bellingham-Whatcom County Commission Against Domestic Violence: Assistance creating domestic violence policy and plans.

The Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence has tons of great resources, including statistics, tips for helping victims and abusers, safety planning in the workplace and more!

I would bet that most people know someone who has experienced domestic violence.  Whether it is a family member,  best friend, coworker, a child’s friend, or neighbor, many of us wonder if we should help.  The answer to that question is “yes”.  Unfortunately, while our gut knows that answer, we sometimes talk ourselves out of doing anything because of our own fear.  What if I say the wrong thing?  Maybe it isn’t any of my business?  What if it just makes the abuser more mad?  What if my friend/family member gets mad at me for saying something?  What if someone is already helping them?

The tips below are meant to address some of these fears.  Of course, there is not a “one size fits all” solution to helping someone.  Something that may work in one situation may be wrong in another.  As I have told lots of audiences, just because I think you should help when someone is being hurt doesn’t mean I necessarily think you should walk down a dark alley in the middle of the night to  get in the middle of an abusive situation.  Find another solution if you’re not comfortable with that one!  Solutions will likely change depending on who is involved, our own safety, and what makes us feel comfortable.

That being said, here are some tips for helping a victim in an abusive relationship:

1.  Say something. It might be scary or make your friend/family member upset initially, but the message you send when not saying anything is much worse: that it’s okay.

2.   Say it right. Saying something does not mean, “I can’t believe you’d be with someone who is that big of a jerk.  You’re so dumb and naive.   I told you it was going to end up that way.”  It helps to start with something very specific that you have seen or heard.  “The other day when you were on the phone, I could hear he/she yelling at you and all the threats he/she made.  I have felt really scared for you and I don’t think you deserve to be treated that way.  I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk, I’m here for you.”

3.  Give options, not advice. It is often our knee-jerk reaction to tell someone what to do.  But have you ever really liked it when someone gave you unsolicited advice?  Likely not.  That’s why giving options can be more effective.  Giving advice is directive: “You need to go down to the courthouse right now and get a protection order.  Then you need to call DVSAS and talk to someone.  Then you should pack up your stuff and come stay with me for awhile.”   Giving options is puts the decision in the hands of the victim: “From what you’ve told me, I’m really worried about your safety.  I have the number for DVSAS and I think they could help you get a protection order or just find some help, if you wanted to call them.  You know that you are welcome to stay with me if you decide that you want to leave.  Call me anytime and I’ll be ready for you.”  Giving advice takes even more power away from the victim; options helps victims to gain back the power over their own life.

4.  Don’t give ultimatums. After a certain point, you may become frustrated trying to help and feel “over it”.  Some people get to a point where they may say, “I’m sick of this.  If you stay with them, I’m not going to speak with you anymore.  Choose them or me.”  Because of all the manipulation and obstacles (see blog post #2), victims may choose to stay with the abuser.  And then they are even more isolated than they were before.  Sticking by their side through the relationship is one of the most important things you can do.

5.  Give time and understanding. It may take one day, it may take ten years.  They might go back to the abuser.  They may make decisions that you think are wrong.  They might not listen.  They might need to sleep with a light on.  They might be afraid of people that remind them of the abuser.  The might not want to report to the police.  They may take years to be ready for another relationship, they may start a new relationship right away.  Healing is a process.  It will look differently person to person and over time.  Understand that they may deal with things differently than you thought.  But always give time and act with empathy and understanding.

6.  Keep everything confidential. The abuser likely will not be happy if they know the victim has talked to anyone about the violence.  Keep everything confidential out of safety AND respect.

7.  Take care of yourself. Being close to someone experiencing domestic violence can be emotionally-draining, exhausting, heart-wrenching, and tiresome.  The services at Domestic Violence and Sexual Assualt Services (DVSAS) are also here to help “secondary” survivors (friends and family of those directly experiencing violence).  We understand that this may take a toll and you may feel like giving up.  Finding your own support can help to deal with your own feelings and allow you to be the amazing support person you want to be.

Have more questions about what you can do?  Ask them in a post!

Yesterday, I opened my email to find a video that had been forwarded to me of a PSA filmed by actress Keira Knightley (See video here, TRIGGER WARNING) .  The video is shocking but effective and adds Keira Knightley to a list of celebrities that have spoken out against domestic violence. Celebrities like Reese Witherspoon, Bonnie Raitt, Harrison Ford, Tori Amos, Salma Hayek, and Christina Aguilera have used their celebrity status to send a message of anti-abuse to the public.

Unfortunately, celebrities are not always linked with domestic violence because of their positive, proactive work on the issue.  R&B artist Chris Brown may be the most recent celebrity charged with domestic violence, but he is not alone.  Mike Tyson, Sean Penn, Dennis Rodman, and Bobby Brown are just a few of our most famed who have been arrested for domestic violence or rape at some point in their life.  The list goes on and on.  But what happens to these celebrities?

• Mike Tyson’s first fight after being released from a 3-year prison sentence  for a felony rape charge grossed $96 million worldwide and set a record for PPV viewership.
• Sean Penn has been nominated for an Academy Award 5 times (and won twice), all after he was charged with felony domestic assault against Madonna (and after several violent incidents with paparazzi).
• Dennis Rodman appears on Celebrity Apprentice in 2009, months after he is arrested for domestic violence and pleads no contest to spousal battery.
• Bobby Brown gets his own show, “Being Bobby Brown”, 2 years after being arrested and charged for spousal battery.

What do you think SHOULD happen to celebrities that are found guilty of domestic violence or admit to abusive behavior?  Should they be pulled from shows, advertisements, suspended from games, etc.? Do you think current punishments are enough or should more/less happen?

Also, how would you like to see the public react to celebrity domestic violence?  Do you think people should refuse to support abusive celebrities (not buying albums, etc.)  or do you think the personal life of a celebrity is separate from their career?

When I scroll through the comments on a news article related to domestic violence, I almost always find a handful of comments that ask the question: why did the victim stay?  The answer to the question is more complicated than many expect.  And while it may be difficult to fathom why someone might not leave an abusive relationship as soon as the abuse started occurring, the fact is, various factors play into one’s decision to stay OR leave.

1. The cycle of abuse.  In the majority of cases, abusive relationships do not start off abusive.  They may start like other healthy relationships, spending time with each other, sharing feelings, meeting each other’s families, etc.  Often, the abuse starts off subtly-it may begin with encouraging the victim not to see their friends/family as often, insults during arguments, leaving angry voicemails.  The abuse may grow into throwing things during arguments to scare the victim, taking control of all the finances, and abusing animals in the home.  It may grow even more into a push or grab during an argument and lead into more severe physical abuse.  The way the abuse grows over time makes it more difficult to recognize than if a person were to be physically abusive on a first date.  The abuse is often weaved into the relationship and the incidents happen between periods of time of calm.
2. Fear.  Fear of what the abuser will do if they leave (abusers often make threats of what they’ll do to the victim-or to themselves- if the victim leaves), fear of people knowing what is happening in the relationship, fear of the abuser taking the children, fear of not having enough access to resources (money, job, transportation) to be able to leave.
3. Outside pressures.  Some victims may be encouraged by people in their communities to stay in their relationships.  Sometimes religious or cultural pressures play into this.  Other times, family and friends may do what we call “victim-blaming” and blame the victim for the abuse that has happened to them.  This is very common.  In fact, a recent study showed that about half of a sample of Boston teens believed that Rihanna (an R&B singer whose boyfriend was recently charged with two counts of felony domestic violence) was to blame for the abuse that happened to her.  Without the support of friends, family, or the community it may make it even more difficult for victims to leave.
4. Hope for change.  Because abusive relationships are often not abusive all the time, there may be hope that the abuse will stop.  Abusers often make promises to get help, that it will be the last time, and that they didn’t mean to do it.  And because many victims may still love the abuser, it becomes easier to believe that they really will change.
5. Self-blame.  It is common for victims of domestic violence and other types of abuse, such as rape and incest, to feel as though they did something to deserve what happened.  In many cases, victims believe that if they had only done something different, the abuse would not have occurred.  in many cases, abusers many play into these feelings and blame the victim for the abuse, telling them it was their own fault.

Countless other reasons play into a victim’s choice to stay or to leave.  While it is essential that we try to understand the complexities of domestic violence, we must also begin moving away from questions that ask, “Why did the victim stay” and move to questions that ask, “Why did the abuser abuse?”  After all, staying in an abusive relationship is not a crime.  Domestic violence is.  And if we truly want to help victims leave abusive relationships, we must understand their perspective, place responsiblity on abusers and stop the vilification of victims we so often see.

It seems that as of recent, we have been inundated with reports (or speculation) of domestic violence in the media.  With news of  Chris Brown’s two felony domestic violence charges, the no-contact order violation by George Henderson,  chief of Whatcom County Fire District 18,  and the deaths of Ferndale residents  Laura Mcqueen and her son Dominic Blackburn,   “domestic violence” (DV) is a term that keeps coming to the surface.  This leaves many to wonder about this often-hidden but all-too-prevelant issue.

What is domestic violence?

The definition as given by the WA State Coalition Against Domestic Violence is: A pattern of coercive tactics-including emotional, physical, sexual and/or economic abuse-that adults of adolescents use against their intimate partner to gain or maintain power and control over them.

Who are the victims?

Victims of domestic violence cross all socioeconomic, ethnic, gender,  racial, sexual orientation, educational, age and religious lines.

How often does domestic violence occur?

It is difficult to know exactly how often domestic violence is occurring, as it primarily happens behind closed doors and is often not reported to the police.  Here are some statistics that may help understand how domestic violence affects our community and beyond:

• On average, more than 3 women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the U.S. every day. (Bureau of Justice Statistics)

• In 2001, women accounted for 85% of victims of intimate partner violence, men accounted for 15%. (Bureau of Justice Statistics)

• Between January 1997 and June 2008, 430 people were killed by domestic violence abusers in Washington State.  In 12% of DV homicides, the abuser also killed one or more children. (Washington State Domestic Violence Fatality Review)

• In 2006, 1,133 incidents of verbal abuse occurring in Bellingham alone were investigated and reported.  Note: Keep in mind that domestic violence is also severely under-reported.  (Bellingham-Whatcom County Commission Against Domestic Violence)

• Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services of Whatcom County (DVSAS) serves an average of 3,000 victims each year, including women, men, youth, and children. (DVSAS)

Over the next month, we’ll explore a variety of topics, including:

• What can I do to help someone affected by domestic violence?
• Why do victims sometimes stay in abusive relationships?
• How do I know if I’m in an abusive relationship?
• Are domestic violence and substance abuse related?  How?

Let’s start off by exploring the causes of domestic violence: Where do you think domestic violence come from?  What attributes to it happening?  And, how do you see domestic violence affecting yourself and your community?

Please keep in mind that if you are reading these blogs and decide you would like to speak with someone about domestic violence or sexual assault, you may call the DVSAS 24-hour hotline at (360)671-5714 or visit www.dvsas.org for more information.