“Why do victims stay in abusive relationships?”
When I scroll through the comments on a news article related to domestic violence, I almost always find a handful of comments that ask the question: why did the victim stay? The answer to the question is more complicated than many expect. And while it may be difficult to fathom why someone might not leave an abusive relationship as soon as the abuse started occurring, the fact is, various factors play into one’s decision to stay OR leave.
- The cycle of abuse. In the majority of cases, abusive relationships do not start off abusive. They may start like other healthy relationships, spending time with each other, sharing feelings, meeting each other’s families, etc. Often, the abuse starts off subtly-it may begin with encouraging the victim not to see their friends/family as often, insults during arguments, leaving angry voicemails. The abuse may grow into throwing things during arguments to scare the victim, taking control of all the finances, and abusing animals in the home. It may grow even more into a push or grab during an argument and lead into more severe physical abuse. The way the abuse grows over time makes it more difficult to recognize than if a person were to be physically abusive on a first date. The abuse is often weaved into the relationship and the incidents happen between periods of time of calm.
- Fear. Fear of what the abuser will do if they leave (abusers often make threats of what they’ll do to the victim-or to themselves- if the victim leaves), fear of people knowing what is happening in the relationship, fear of the abuser taking the children, fear of not having enough access to resources (money, job, transportation) to be able to leave.
- Outside pressures. Some victims may be encouraged by people in their communities to stay in their relationships. Sometimes religious or cultural pressures play into this. Other times, family and friends may do what we call “victim-blaming” and blame the victim for the abuse that has happened to them. This is very common. In fact, a recent study showed that about half of a sample of Boston teens believed that Rihanna (an R&B singer whose boyfriend was recently charged with two counts of felony domestic violence) was to blame for the abuse that happened to her. Without the support of friends, family, or the community it may make it even more difficult for victims to leave.
- Hope for change. Because abusive relationships are often not abusive all the time, there may be hope that the abuse will stop. Abusers often make promises to get help, that it will be the last time, and that they didn’t mean to do it. And because many victims may still love the abuser, it becomes easier to believe that they really will change.
- Self-blame. It is common for victims of domestic violence and other types of abuse, such as rape and incest, to feel as though they did something to deserve what happened. In many cases, victims believe that if they had only done something different, the abuse would not have occurred. in many cases, abusers many play into these feelings and blame the victim for the abuse, telling them it was their own fault.
Countless other reasons play into a victim’s choice to stay or to leave. While it is essential that we try to understand the complexities of domestic violence, we must also begin moving away from questions that ask, “Why did the victim stay” and move to questions that ask, “Why did the abuser abuse?” After all, staying in an abusive relationship is not a crime. Domestic violence is. And if we truly want to help victims leave abusive relationships, we must understand their perspective, place responsiblity on abusers and stop the vilification of victims we so often see.
March 20th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Great post! I would also like to add to #4 that substance abuse can play a major part. I know some people who say things like “It’s only when he/she drinks.” and things along those lines. Thanks Jenn and DVSAS for doing so much to help our town!
March 26th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
They stay because they have integrity,
they stick to their promises and they buy into the excuses offered by their abusers.
They allow deception as a trade for love,
they protect their family privacy from the establishment
and they believe what they’re told about healing and changes and recovery.
They stay because they have no faith in leaving,
They stay because immigration laws demand it.
They stay through accusations so horrible that their accuser is feared to be pathetically ill,
and who with any conscience can leave a sick spouse?
Staying is the brave, the honorable and the caring.
Leaving is for the liars.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Leaving is not for the liars.
Leaving is for the SURVIVORS.
April 4th, 2009 at 11:08 am
That depends upon who is the victim and who is the accuser.
April 5th, 2009 at 12:39 am
This post was very interesting. I was just thinking about some of these things last week so it’s great to see other people thinking along the same lines.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Our organization assists victims of domestic violence with cell phones, self-defense products and obtaining grounds for a fresh start. Please utilize our services and refer us as needed. Silent Ministries Recovery Outreach http://www.silentministries.org God Bless Minister Jim Harnage
April 7th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Citizen, I’m not sure who this post is referring to, in terms of who is “staying” and who is “leaving”.
However, I can say that both staying and leaving take a degree of bravery. Healing from an abusive relationship takes a great deal of strength and growth!
April 7th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Anonymous, thanks for the input. You’re correct, substance abuse can play a role in abusive relationships. Sometimes the abuser promises to seek treatment or to stop using, once again instilling that hope that things will change.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Silent ministries.org: Thank you for your support!
April 8th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
FANTASTIC!
April 9th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
The style of writing is very familiar . Have you written guest posts for other blogs?
April 9th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Nope, this is our first time guest blogging. Hope you’re enjoying it!
April 10th, 2009 at 1:25 am
“While it is essential that we try to understand the complexities of domestic violence, we must also begin moving away from questions that ask, “Why did the victim stay” and move to questions that ask, “Why did the abuser abuse?” After all, staying in an abusive relationship is not a crime. Domestic violence is. And if we truly want to help victims leave abusive relationships, we must understand their perspective, place responsiblity on abusers and stop the vilification of victims we so often see.”
It was only a few months ago that my cousin, a survivor of rape, and I had a conversation about what else might be done to protect society from those who have a pattern of abuse, specifically sexual abuse. She spoke of a state in the U.S. that actually labels the license plates of those have commited such crimes. When I heard that, I instantly felt horrified and expressed that I felt that it was wrong and would harm the future life of the attacker…how would they ever be able to move beyond their past if they were forever labeled as one? I thought society would then become the abusers because they would point, ridicule and hate the one that was labeled.
My cousin then responded by asking, “Why are you so quick to defend the attacker and his/her rights and forget about the victim’s rights and the harm done to them and by relation, their friends and family.”
Honestly, that struck me to my core, especially since I myself am a victim of sexual abuse. In fact, not one of my sisters escaped childhood without being sexually abused, and all by different attackers.
It is a very confusing thing to ponder this idea of human rights and who’s should be more protected, the attacker or the victim. I think society tries to protect the attacker because they have hope that the attacker can change. I don’t think we should let go of that hope, but I do feel that our society needs to realize that once a person has attacked another, for whatever past experience reason he/she might have had, the attacker has completely lost the trust of society and must EARN it back and BE WILLING to do so. I think that if the attacker really wants to change and TRY to repair the damage done, he/she must submit to and endure whatever it takes to gain the trust of society back before they have all their freedoms and rights returned. The crime committed can never truly be paid for and if the person who did the crime isn’t willing to do what society asks of him/her, then it shows they aren’t ready to be trusted again.
April 11th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Hi Jenn!
Hey what happened to our comments from last night?? They’re Gone!!
Even yours are missing!!
Oh well, it was nice of you to have posted a response to at least one of my questions last night.
I sure wonder why they’ve been taken down though.
Or perhaps you didn’t see my last question?
I had referred to your statement about comments “showing up” for you to respond to your blog.
I asked if you were implying that the Herald screens your questions?
- Sue
April 11th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Hi Jenn,
I found our comments! I didn’t know there were different ‘pages’ on your blog.
My mistake.
- Sue
April 12th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
I don’t usuall post a reply but this is good work, keep it up X Boyfriend.
April 12th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Come on dude, these facts* and proof* i mean who is posting* lol
April 15th, 2009 at 7:27 am
I have a niece who is in jail right now for behaviors (drinking and drugging) that seemed to only crop up and become a problem after she was raped and then summarily discharged from the Army. I understand this is sort of classic behavior for someone in her position. Can you offer any insights into this phenomenon? I have heard from another person who’s female relative was raped in the military and then was blamed, ostracized and discharged as well. Why isn’t the VA involved in such situations and counseling advocated. For the victim this would be just as important as receiving training and education to transition to a new or similar job, etc.
April 21st, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I’m sorry to hear about the trauma your sister (and likely, you, as many family members are also very affected as well) has been through. Sexual assault in the military is not uncommon but is often surrounded by silence. While the military does have programs and counseling for victims of domestic and sexual violence, reports also show that victims are not always receiving adequate treatment. Like the civilian world, problems exist in creating a system that supports people equally and adequately. I think you have a great point that the VA should be providing support in these situations. I did just a bit of research on the topic and found this interesting document (link at bottom) put out by the Department of Veteran Affairs that talks about military sexual trauma.
Here’s an interesting passage:
“Most military groups are characterized by high unit cohesion, particularly during combat. While this level of solidarity typically reflects a positive aspect of military service, the dynamics of cohesion may play a role in the negative psychological effects associated with sexual harassment and assault that occurs. Because organizational cohesion is so highly valued within the military environment, divulging any negative information about a fellow soldier is considered taboo. Accordingly, many victims are reluctant to report sexual trauma and many victims say that there were no available methods for reporting their experiences to those in authority. Many indicate that if they did report the harassment they were not believed or encouraged to keep silent about the experience. They may have had their reports ignored, or even worse, have been themselves blamed for the experience. Having this type of invalidating experience following a sexual trauma is likely to have a significant negative impact on the victim’s post-trauma adjustment.”
As always, please contact me or respond again if you have any other questions or want to discuss this further. Best of luck to you, your sister, and your family.
You can read the rest of the report here.
April 26th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Many moving comments here. I’d like just to add that there’s still an alarming amount of deep societal conditioning (that would be for both abuser and the abused, but it’s the latter I want to address for the moment), of deeply ingrained thinking that keeps blinders up until full-out abuse is well underway (when all the complications that make leaving difficult come into play). I see this not only in speaking with young women and reading their thoughts online and in print. I’m, sad to say, a devoted reader of fan fiction (my substitute for tv, I guess). There are unquestionably some extreme stories that get posted involving rape, BDSM, etc., and these are horrific. There is nothing to say in their defense, certainly, not even that the context is by and large that of war. But what has recently been still more disturbing is a particular story (granted, a cheesy, superficial story trying to, I don’t know, graft Sex and the City onto Harry Potter characters) that repeatedly portrays extremely controlling behavior on the part of the main male character toward the main female character. I kept reading for a number of chapters, refraining from commenting until I saw where the author might be taking the story. When I finally did make the comment that she was romanticizing that sort of behavior, that lots of late wives and girlfriends would not find it titillating nor amusing in the least, she was outraged, accused me of being ignorant, of having issues, of having a problem with certain behaviors between consenting adults in bed–which I, of course, had not even made reference to, only out-of-the-bedroom conduct. Tragically, except for ONE comment in support of mine, every single other review of her story has been passionately in favor. I’m horrified by this. It seems like complete and utter brainwashing has taken place. I can only hope on behalf of these many women that they don’t one day find themselves in the throes of true violent abuse that the need for control was an early indication of.
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