Know someone experiencing DV? You may be able to help.
I would bet that most people know someone who has experienced domestic violence. Whether it is a family member, best friend, coworker, a child’s friend, or neighbor, many of us wonder if we should help. The answer to that question is “yes”. Unfortunately, while our gut knows that answer, we sometimes talk ourselves out of doing anything because of our own fear. What if I say the wrong thing? Maybe it isn’t any of my business? What if it just makes the abuser more mad? What if my friend/family member gets mad at me for saying something? What if someone is already helping them?
The tips below are meant to address some of these fears. Of course, there is not a “one size fits all” solution to helping someone. Something that may work in one situation may be wrong in another. As I have told lots of audiences, just because I think you should help when someone is being hurt doesn’t mean I necessarily think you should walk down a dark alley in the middle of the night to get in the middle of an abusive situation. Find another solution if you’re not comfortable with that one! Solutions will likely change depending on who is involved, our own safety, and what makes us feel comfortable.
That being said, here are some tips for helping a victim in an abusive relationship:
1. Say something. It might be scary or make your friend/family member upset initially, but the message you send when not saying anything is much worse: that it’s okay.
2. Say it right. Saying something does not mean, “I can’t believe you’d be with someone who is that big of a jerk. You’re so dumb and naive. I told you it was going to end up that way.” It helps to start with something very specific that you have seen or heard. “The other day when you were on the phone, I could hear he/she yelling at you and all the threats he/she made. I have felt really scared for you and I don’t think you deserve to be treated that way. I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk, I’m here for you.”
3. Give options, not advice. It is often our knee-jerk reaction to tell someone what to do. But have you ever really liked it when someone gave you unsolicited advice? Likely not. That’s why giving options can be more effective. Giving advice is directive: “You need to go down to the courthouse right now and get a protection order. Then you need to call DVSAS and talk to someone. Then you should pack up your stuff and come stay with me for awhile.” Giving options is puts the decision in the hands of the victim: “From what you’ve told me, I’m really worried about your safety. I have the number for DVSAS and I think they could help you get a protection order or just find some help, if you wanted to call them. You know that you are welcome to stay with me if you decide that you want to leave. Call me anytime and I’ll be ready for you.” Giving advice takes even more power away from the victim; options helps victims to gain back the power over their own life.
4. Don’t give ultimatums. After a certain point, you may become frustrated trying to help and feel “over it”. Some people get to a point where they may say, “I’m sick of this. If you stay with them, I’m not going to speak with you anymore. Choose them or me.” Because of all the manipulation and obstacles (see blog post #2), victims may choose to stay with the abuser. And then they are even more isolated than they were before. Sticking by their side through the relationship is one of the most important things you can do.
5. Give time and understanding. It may take one day, it may take ten years. They might go back to the abuser. They may make decisions that you think are wrong. They might not listen. They might need to sleep with a light on. They might be afraid of people that remind them of the abuser. The might not want to report to the police. They may take years to be ready for another relationship, they may start a new relationship right away. Healing is a process. It will look differently person to person and over time. Understand that they may deal with things differently than you thought. But always give time and act with empathy and understanding.
6. Keep everything confidential. The abuser likely will not be happy if they know the victim has talked to anyone about the violence. Keep everything confidential out of safety AND respect.
7. Take care of yourself. Being close to someone experiencing domestic violence can be emotionally-draining, exhausting, heart-wrenching, and tiresome. The services at Domestic Violence and Sexual Assualt Services (DVSAS) are also here to help “secondary” survivors (friends and family of those directly experiencing violence). We understand that this may take a toll and you may feel like giving up. Finding your own support can help to deal with your own feelings and allow you to be the amazing support person you want to be.
Have more questions about what you can do? Ask them in a post!
April 10th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
That is cool that DVSAS provides support for the “secondary” survivors. That is something I did not know. Great post, Jenn!
April 15th, 2009 at 7:34 am
While this is not a question about DV per se, my niece was raped while in the Army and since coming out has had a problem with alcohol and staying out of trouble (DUIs, etc). She is now doing almost 2 years in jail for blowing off prosecutors and has never gotten any counseling for the rape as far as I know. After the rape by her non com superior, she was ostracized and then given a general discharge. She hasn’t been right since. I think she suffers some kind of PTSD over that event that neither the Army or anyone since has addressed. It makes me physically ill and angry at the system that has ignored her plight.