Spend some time in a place where kids and their parents hang out and there’s one phrase you are bound to hear over and over again: “Good job!”. There are even websites that offer various ways that parents can say “Good job” to their children. On one such website entitled “65 Ways to Say ‘Good for You’”, Edward S. Kubany suggests the following alternatives:
• That’s really nice.
• That’s quite an improvement.
• You really outdid yourself today.
Alfie Kohn, an award-winning author and parenting expert, aims to persuade parents to stop using so much praise in his article, Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” (Young Children, 2001). He advocates for supporting and encouraging children, but he suggests parents do so in other ways besides using verbal praise. His concerns about verbal praise include:
• When parents praise their children, they are aiming to manipulate them.
• The more kids are praised, the more praise they need to feel successful.
• Instead of saying, “I did it!”; over-praised kids tend to say, “Was that good?”
• Scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward.
• Praise can actually encourage children to do something for the wrong reason. For example, do we want our child to wait in a line for the slide because they get praised for this behavior or because they see the value in taking turns?
So what does Alfie Kohn recommend that parents do instead of praising their kids? He suggests the following responses when kids do something impressive:
• Say nothing. This can be quite difficult for parents, but Kohn questions the idea that children will only repeat behaviors for which they are praised. He encourages parents to challenge this idea and to just remain quiet when their children do something kind or extraordinary.
• Say what you saw. For example, a parent might say “You did it.” Or “You put your shoes on yourself.” “You used a lot of purple today.” “Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you shared some of your snack.”
• Ask questions. For example, the parent might say “What was the hardest part to draw?” or “How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?”
Alfie Kohn concludes this article by clarifying that sometimes compliments and thank-yous are appropriate. He encourages parents to consider their motives for what they say. So the next time you are tempted to say “Good job!”, ask yourself: “Am I showing a genuine expression of enthusiasm or a desire to manipulate my child’s future behavior?”
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