Author and parent educator, Barbara Coloroso, has helped many parents realize that our “no” answers can negatively affect children’s independence and motivation. Coloroso gives three alternatives to “no” responses (Kids Are Worth It!: Giving your child the gift of inner discipline, 1994):
• “Yes, later.”
• “Yes” with conditions as in “Yes, you may play outside after your homework is complete.”
• “Give me a minute.” (This gives you and the child a moment to think about the decision/problem.)
• “Convince me.” (You can keep responding with “I’m not convinced” until either you are convinced, you say “yes” or the child has run out of arguments.)
So when my son asks, “Can we play a game?” and it’s time for him to go to bed, I reply “Yes, let’s play a game tomorrow morning.” (That sounds a lot better than “No, it’s your bedtime.”)
When my son asks, “Can I get a snack?”, I reply “Yes, as soon as you’re finished with your chores.” (That sounds better than “No, you’re not finished with your chores yet.”)
When my son asks, “Can I watch this movie?” I reply, “Give me a minute.” My answer may be “No” but he’ll appreciate that I gave it some thought and with some time to think, I am more likely to make a wise decision and sometimes that decision will be “Yes”.
When my son asks “Can I get out the glitter for this art project?” I reply “Convince me.” When he comes up with the ideas that he’ll use it where it can be swept up, he’ll be extra careful and he’ll clean up any mess he makes, this makes it easy to say “Yes”. None of these stipulations came from me – he did all the thinking!
I’m definitely not scared to say “No” to my son but I know that the way I communicate with him can definitely affect his reactions to my decisions and his own independence. So pay attention to how often you are saying “No” to your kids and think about if you can use one of these replacements.
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