How to Say “Yes” to Your Child

Written by Roxann "Rock" Rose-Duckworth | The Bellingham Herald | October 7, 2012

Last time I wrote about how to say “no” to your child. This time I want to share how to say “yes” to your child. One of my favorite parenting books is an oldie but a goody: Between Parent and Child. It was written by respected educator and psychologist, Haim Ginott back in 1965. Dr. Ginott pioneered many techniques for conversing with children. He pointed out that the effective parent is one who makes himself increasingly dispensable to children. He encouraged parents to lead children to make their own choices and use their own powers. He pointed out how our conversations with children indicate our belief in their capacity to make wise decisions for themselves. Ginott challenged us to avoid our inner “yes” responses when a child makes a request. Instead of giving a simple “yes” to a request, think how these statements (which Ginott referred to as freedom phrases) foster independence:
• “If you want to.”
• “If that is really what you would like.”
• “You decide about that.”
• “It is really up to you.”
• “It is entirely your choice.”
• “Whatever you decide is fine with me.”
So when my son asks “Should I wear my boots?”, instead of saying “Sure, I don’t care” or “Yes, that’s a great idea considering we’ll be walking on a wet trail”, I reply “Whatever you decide is fine with me.” As he puts his boots on, he feels proud of his decision. When he asks “Can I have another cookie?” and I reply “You decide about that”, it’s surprising how often he’ll say, “Yeah, I think one is enough.” It would have been easy for me to say “Yes, you may have one more,” – I felt comfortable with him having another one, but I want him to learn to make these decisions on his own so answering with a freedom phrase gives him this opportunity! Ginott writes that a “yes” answer may be gratifying to children, but these freedom phrases give children a sense of satisfaction of making a decision and shows them that their parent has faith in them.