Do you believe in making New Year resolutions? Many of my friends have shared their New Year resolutions with me and quite a few of these self-improvement plans involve parenting. When working with parents, I have met quite a few who set too many parenting goals. It’s hard to completely change everything you do as a parent – plus, it probably isn’t necessary. I like to recommend that you choose one thing to stop, one thing to start and at least one thing to continue. Recently I met with a group of parents and these were the ideas we came up with. Maybe some of these ideas will help you set some goals:
Stop: nagging, yelling, rationalizing your child’s behavior, reminding, giving warnings, spanking, lecturing, comparing, rescuing, reasoning with a whining child, giving pseudo choices (do it my way or else), giving threats that you won’t follow through with and giving in to a child who is crying, sulking or bargaining.
Start: showing empathy, letting consequences do the teaching, setting firm and loving limits, giving real choices, celebrating success and growth, letting your children own their problems, using delayed consequences (“I’m not sure what to do about this right now. I’ll get back to you on this later.” – this gives you time to think up a good plan and to get support from a co-parent, relative or other caregiver), encouraging independence, teaching the value of hard work, and allowing kids to solve their own conflicts.
Continue: reading with your child, telling your children you love them every day, eating dinner with your children, putting notes in your child’s lunch, laughing with your children, showing an interest in something that your child loves doing, spending special time with each of your children, setting clear expectations for daily routines (like getting ready for school and doing homework) and making sure that your children feel loved and valued each and every day.
So if you want your child to change for the better in the new year, then I hope you will consider that the change may need to start with you. What will you start doing? What will you stop doing? What will you continue doing? Write these on a post-it note and put them in a place where you’ll see these reminders every day: your bathroom mirror, computer screen, car, or kitchen cupboard. And if you feel like you need some extra support to meet these goals, sign up for a parenting class with Bellingham Technical College. My next all-day “Parenting with Love and Logic” Saturday session is on January 26th.
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