There is a question that many parents ask their children. And it’s a question that rarely gets a satisfactory answer. The question is “Why did you do that?” This question is often uttered when reacting to a behavior that is of concern to a parent. When I hear this question asked to children, I usually hear one of three responses. The most common response is “I don’t know”. The next most common response is an excuse (e.g. “She did it first!”). Then sometimes it just instantly turns the child to tears or a tantrum. I don’t think I have ever heard a response to this question that could be deemed as positive. Most parents don’t ask this question really expecting a great answer. It’s a question asked usually because the parent just isn’t sure what else to say. I recommend to parents that instead of focusing on the prior behavior that has already occurred, they should focus on future behavior plans. So instead of “Why did you push your sister?”, a parent could ask “What’s your plan for next time when your sister frustrates you?”. Instead of asking “Why did you drop cereal all over the floor?”, you could ask “What’s your plan for next time when you pour your own cereal for breakfast?” and instead of asking “Why didn’t you do your homework?”, you can ask “So what’s your plan for next week’s spelling homework?” Focusing on the future rather than the past makes for a more positive interaction and also helps improve behavior.
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It can be a fascinating question though. I wonder if the important thing is looking at our motivation in asking it. As a teacher I have found one of my most valuable questions to any student at any time has been “Why do you say that?” I think it can provide a similar opportunity as “Why did you do that?” It gives the child, student, an opportunity to think about their own thinking, to move into metacognition, and it can provide an invitation to further dialogue between an adult and a child where the child understands that their thinking is valued and that even if it is not a perfectly formed thought, that it provides entry into building the thinking process. Somewhat like, “Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it,” asking the question “why” can help a child look at their own thinking and reasoning and more importantly it can help to signal a partnership between parent and child, teacher and student, that the one who controls the power in the relationship is willing to listen, to hear, and to understand the feelings and thoughts of one who needs more than anything to be listened to, heard, and understood.
But you are spot on is making mention that the question itself (if already answered in the questioner’s mind) puts the child in a defensive position that actually closes them off from their own thinking, sometimes leading them into more negative behavior. Perhaps the big question becomes: what is our intention in our questioning? Are we trying to catch someone in their misbehavior? Have we already made a judgment as to the child’s reasons for their action? Maybe it is more important for us to reserve judgment for the moment, to think about our own thinking and feelings, and then to reach out with questioning that helps the child to consider their own thinking, feelings, struggles and provides an invitation for learning about self that actually builds a sense of self and the value of one’s own thinking process. I guess like all things it depends most on our motivation and perhaps we can ask ourself in this: What am I thinking?
I suppose the thing that this type of questioning demands though, is time and patience, both for ourselves and for our children, not to mention our students. The willingness to go beyond a simple question and use it to delve into thoughtful conversation is a commitment to time because we have to be willing to go beyond the, “I don’t know,” phase into encouraging meaningful dialogue, and who knows where that will go and how long that will take (and all this while the proverbial cereal continues to soak the carpet). But it is an entry into something that is special, and something that can last a lifetime, even build a lifetime of understanding.
Ian,
You are so correct – the motivation behind the question is a huge influence as to how this question is perceived and to how the conversation goes between parent and child.
I think this question is often done in a way that the parent is talking TO the child. But when a parent aims to talk WITH the child, and is truly trying to understand the child’s point of view – this question could have a positive outcome.
Thanks for your input!
Rock